Head knowledge.

Here's a scenario that I think it's classic to talk about:
There's a glass of wine that's poured only up to half of the maximum capacity. Question to your perspective is: Do you see the glass of wine as something half filled? Or rather it's half empty?

Well, I've found another dimension. Regardless whether it's half filled, or it's half emptied, just be appreciative and thankful that the glass is actually filled with something, which wine in this case.

It's been months since I've talked to you. To be honest, I do miss communicating with you. Some things will always remain, some feelings will always be there for certain reasons.

All you wanted was to receive morning texts that would make ya feel special. All you wanted was someone to be a listening ear, rather than giving solutions to solve the problem. Someone who could actually be a gentleman and take the initiative to make things right regardless who is in the right, or in the wrong. Someone that you could rely on with the deepest secrets being shared. A person that would actually never leave a girl hanging regardless of how ugly the situation was, etc

These are some of the many things that I've understood at the back of my mind. However, sometimes I could only tell myself there's always a limit in giving in, it's because I'm only human with emotions too. People do get burned out and eventually losing themselves, losing their identity, their goals and plans in the long run.

I believe you've moved on, probably to someone else. & I'm genuinely glad and happy for you as much as it pinches me.  It's because there were some things that we both couldn't achieve. And perhaps the other guy have the chemistry with you.

 

Self-Identity

Matthew 6:33-34 : "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry, about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble on its own."

I've not been posting my thoughts for the past few months/years. So.. here it goes.

In relation to the natural's interpretation, perhaps this meant to me as finding self identity in my perspective. Seeking in something that's within you is important. And that is because it moulds the core fundamental value within your own personal lifestyle. And that actually reflects in the society as who you really are as an individual.

One reason why people are feeling dead even though they have everything they need in their life would be the lack of self identity. Basically moving with the flow of life without challenging oneself to break the norm. It creates a status-quo atmosphere in us where progression is a gradual or declining curve.

It is human nature for everyone to have the need for affiliation, a community in where they can feel connected. Likewise in a micro perspective, self identity is vital for essential survival. Be it in any circumstance, scenario, etc, we all need to find a purpose in what we do, in what we feel, in what we desire. And that basically means embracing an intrinsic motivation for something, also known as, passion.

The biggest failure in life isn't about failing to achieve goals despite countless of attempts, but the biggest failure is actually succeeding in things that doesn't even matter to us at the end of the day.

Only know you love her, when you've let her go.

Basically how a relationship ends it's only because both parties stop trying. It's only natural when you love someone, you have an expectation of the other party reciprocating in a way or another. This encourages the relationship to grow stronger when actions are shown because at the back of the mind, you'll know that the other party cherishes you as much as you do.

Couples start quarrelling it's only because of miscommunication. They both fail to understand one another's well-being and stuff. You could say that loving someone creates expectation, but i beg to differ because sometimes all they want is just a sign of acknowledgement. Discouragement could be a product as it could actually hit someone really badly as well.

As you bother to maintain the relationship during and after quarrels and quarrels, you'll eventually understand the other party better because you're more salient to the differences between one another, and ultimately reach to a consensus. I believe sometimes quarrels can be termed as, a 'double-edged sword'. With regards to the hind side, quarrels do let you have a better comprehension of whether both are unsuitable after all.

As I was preparing our monthsary surprise before booking out of my army camp, I texted you and asked where were your whereabouts and etc so that I know roughly when I could deliver the surprise. I've actually printed some pictures such as the river safari date, some pictures we took and uploaded on instag, etc. With the help of my camp mate as he was really good with design, I bothered seeking him for his expertise because I know I'm really weak with art and craft.

Just before midnight, I've actually called you up and wanted to meet up with you at 12am as I was about to leave my home with the stuffs. But I guess things somehow went really ugly and it was all gone with the wind. We all face risks when we do surprises because the other party isn't aware of it. But sometimes when things don't actually go the way we wanted to be, and sometime it's only discouragement that follows through.

Everyone wants to be heard, but no one wants to be disappointed. Everyone wants to receive, but no one is willing to give because they might face a huge disappointment time and time again.

Today was supposed to be our 10th Monthsary together. I just want to tell you that you will always be a beautiful person in my heart. Despite facing through the roller coaster ride with you, I just want to let you know that only the good memories will always be kept in my heart. As I'm typing out all these, flashbacks were running through and I've asked myself something. It was really a worthy experience being in love with you.

I never once believe in fate because I know there will always be a result to an action. However, perhaps tonight, I hate to believe that it could actually be fate afterall.

Nevertheless, thanks for shaping me to be a better person. Someone that has actually taught me how to love my mother, my sister, and make a woman feel loved most importantly.

Here I am saying, I love you and goodbye, for the last time.
Take care.

You could say that things are falling apart. There will be a point where too much hurt will stop you from trying to build things up again.

As much as I want to be the reason why you're smiling, sometimes I do not wish to comprehend the thought of you being a happier person without me. That's because the relationship feels like it is draining life rather than enriching it.

In your mind, you think I've changed. But bear in mind that there's also a force, which I don't wanna mention here, made me felt that way too. Could it be that we have different expectations and not suitable for each other? Or could it be that we're just not putting enough effort to reach a consensus. 

This dedication tonight.

Dear mum,

Recently I've been doing a lot of reflection lately. I've realised that there are no amount of gratitude that I can ever express to thank you for all that you've done. 

I know I haven't been the best that I can be. I know that there are a lot of blindspots that have made you felt so disappointed. Looking back, I am really apologetic for what I've said the other time in the month of February. 

All I want to do in my life is to serve God, to be an image just like Jesus that will be the intercessor, a testimonial to everyone that there will be someone out there to make a difference in this current, this dark black society. 

I know that right now, you have been slogging your soul out to raise sis and I up. But I just wanna let you know that, the pain and burden that you have been carrying all these years will all come to an end really soon. As much as you want to provide the best of life to me, I've not been successful in many ways to reciprocate in a way to make you feel appreciated. 

As much as a human, I will do my very best as a son, to make it all up to you real soon. Rest assured things will be a 180degree turn and you will definitely reap what you have sowed in my life. 

Thank you so much for being there for be despite the countless disappointments. That's really something unconditional that you have portrayed and I'm utmost appreciative about it. The reason why I'm typing all these thoughts out tonight it's because I am in no position to make this speech to you in person for now. 

May this entry be a testimony, an evidence in the future, a life goal that I've been pitching myself to achieve. In time to come, I will be able to say all these much to you personally, eventually.

Signing off,
K.





  

Humility.

I was just thinking about last night. It's really irony how one thing matters that changes your whole point of view. How could something from a happy conversation lead to such a 180 degree flipover? I wasn't feeling really good because I know that sometimes we all might have blindspots that actually got the better of us.

It really hurts to feel hurt, and it's even more hurtful to feel someone that actually meant a lot to me being hurt. I was holding back tears, with some cracky voices during a conversation. I know that we all need a venting outlet to pour out all our feelings to, but I also know that we have to be sensitive in which spaces we pen our thoughts down. In my life, I didn't once force, manipulate anyone into thinking the same values that I hold. Because I believe that possessiveness does not equates to happiness.

I didn't know that perhaps sometimes some snacks don't taste as tasty as others, I didn't know that there were some things we do don't seem as salient as it seems.. But what I know is, the time invested, the effort I've made are all within my capabilities, and they are genuine and sincere.

The situations I've experience , the stories I've listened, and the observations I've seen. I can see the people around me trying so hard to find the chemistry of their life but to no avail, they just keep failing. Hence, I should feel fortunate, I should cherish what I have and I know I should express myself better in many other ways.

We might fail at times, feel heart broken at the same time. But in order to be a better person in the future, we all need to have the humility in us.

To accept, to learn, and most importantly, to forgive.

Philippians 2:5-8 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

The things that keep you alive.

Recently I've been drowning in thoughts and doing some soul searching again. Although right now I'm stuck in camp cause of a weekend duty, it somehow made me realized that there's so much stuffs to learn.

Well, I just wanna say whenever you're feeling lost in life, there's bound to have a retrieval cue to pull you back. We just gotta find it back and keep the fire going on.

Life is beautiful because there's up and downs in life. Remember that there's God, waiting out there for you to hold Him close. Love your family and cherish your love ones that you've found.

Knowing that we've someone to rely on, we'll actually find that living in this society ain't that painful afterall :)