Rhetorical.

Just a little question: Are you a happy or sad drunk? 

When the alcohol kicks in, my mind starts thinking even more. These expectations, goals, pressures, desires, triggering cues of such images keep residing.

What if you fail big time?
What if you don't have the money to spend what you want?
What if you don't make your family proud?
What if you stop what you're doing halfway and ended up being a douche?
What ifs.. All the what ifs.

You may termed this as 'insecurity'. But I guess it's a form of positive motivation to move on with life. 

Recently, I just got this revelation. That life is like an highway. 

This world is bleak, dark and ruthless. Nobody in this secular world gives us respect unless we first respect ourselves. None would bother to support us unless we prove our worth.

Nonetheless, we gotta stay strong, keep our fingers crossed, clench our teeth hard. It's because in this highway, there's no such thing as a red traffic light there for us. There's no room for complacency, but only space for progressing forward.

You left me there hanging.

It's no one's fault.
There's none to blame.
I was really glad there were some meaningful moments that we managed to have.
Cherished it a lot.

But there's one thing for sure.
Only the gullible's never move on with life :)

Swaying images

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind,images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick.

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy,
I'd thought you'd want the same for me.

Goodbye, my almost lover.
Goodbye, my hopeless dream.
I'm tryin not to think about you,
Can't you just let me be
A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover



Just got back from Genting.. Well, this song was on replay for like countless of times on the coach, back & forth.

Got me to reflect some of the stuffs for the past 3-4 years. How life passed so quickly. How I once was a freshie in poly. & now, finally, graduated..

I really do feel that God has blessed me with so many things in life. Studies, BFL, Financials.. However, somehow I feel there's something lacking. Perhaps it's the way I view the day-to-day, common & typical issues of life.

*It's always the i-don't-give-a-shit kind of attitude that turns people off i guess.



Sometimes a love relationship is like a burning cigarette. We inhale the tobacco into our lungs, & we'll feel the kick. Once it's burned to the brim of the filter, we've lost the chemistry.

& you'd wonder why the supposed special one is treating you differently all together.

It thus made me believed why making decision based on logic & rationality would be a better choice instead on human emotions.

AND BECAUSE OF THIS, people in school think I'm some cold blooded, competitive & hypocrite kinda person. Well, I don't blame them because I know this problem lies within myself.

& Maybe this is why, A, you're feeling that way, uncomfortable.

Sometimes solutions ain't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way..

Callings.

Being an innocent party.
Why do financial difficulties have to be the barrier in most families?

Being pressurized, going through such motions takes life deeper than what it should be. Lives of the child gets too distressed.

Goals are developed, pride within them hardened. Emotionally, they all react differently to various stimulator..

Sometimes perhaps this is why it motivates you to move on to the next phase of life, adulthood, because only then you can take control of your own decision wholly.

Confessions.

Lyin here with you so close to me,
Its hard to fight these feelings when if feels so hard to breathe.
I'm caught up in this moment,
I'm caught up with your smile.

Dearest,
I really hope that we could pull this through together somehow.
So many factors that sets us apart. & I feel that it's a barrier between us.

I value long-term memories over than just "living for the moment" periods. I believe you do cherish such worldview too, don't you?

You mentioned before that you're sure that you'll wanna try to take things to the next level, but you aren't sure that would this be the route for you. Perhaps that you too, believed that chemistry that was found shouldn't be gone to waste just like that hmmm. This is why I think I really tried with the best of efforts that I could give into this. I know you're trying too, but I guess sometimes it's tough for a shy kid like you to express it thoroughly huhhhhhhhhh.

This is just some thoughts that came through my mind randomly, something that I just wanna typed out and not just bottle up. Ultimately, it's just something that I wanna share with you.

It may seem like I'm getting a little paranoid over this matter, even with the smallest issue. I know I'm just overlooking matters.

But this is because,
I don't wanna lose us without a putting on a fight.

Regardless.

Hope decays,
Generation disappears
Washed away
As a nation simply stares

Don't want to reach for me do you
I mean nothing to you
The little things give you away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking

All you ever wanted,
Was someone to truly look up to you.
& six feet underwater, I do.



Have you seen the flaws already?
Would you still accept the imperfection state of a human despite seeing through it?

Actually, it's all on purpose.
Why? It's because we all need to know the truth. This sets apart a novelty feeling and true emotions are.

With things going on like this, somehow it feels like the road is heading towards a jagged surface.

It's just hearts.

When all I want is for you to see
The side that I don’t show to anyone
In fear that they may turn and run
Alone and incomplete
No more tears to cry
No more blood to bleed.

Today was the end of presentation. Sigh of relief.. But yet, still countless of things running through my mind.

I swear I'm gonna miss the computer lab in school.. Throughout this 3 years in poly, at least 50% of the time spent in the computer labs.

We're gonna graduate within a week already.. So many things left unsaid, so many things left undone.

Maybe somehow if things aren't meant to be yours, it will never be.
Face it.