This dedication tonight.

Dear mum,

Recently I've been doing a lot of reflection lately. I've realised that there are no amount of gratitude that I can ever express to thank you for all that you've done. 

I know I haven't been the best that I can be. I know that there are a lot of blindspots that have made you felt so disappointed. Looking back, I am really apologetic for what I've said the other time in the month of February. 

All I want to do in my life is to serve God, to be an image just like Jesus that will be the intercessor, a testimonial to everyone that there will be someone out there to make a difference in this current, this dark black society. 

I know that right now, you have been slogging your soul out to raise sis and I up. But I just wanna let you know that, the pain and burden that you have been carrying all these years will all come to an end really soon. As much as you want to provide the best of life to me, I've not been successful in many ways to reciprocate in a way to make you feel appreciated. 

As much as a human, I will do my very best as a son, to make it all up to you real soon. Rest assured things will be a 180degree turn and you will definitely reap what you have sowed in my life. 

Thank you so much for being there for be despite the countless disappointments. That's really something unconditional that you have portrayed and I'm utmost appreciative about it. The reason why I'm typing all these thoughts out tonight it's because I am in no position to make this speech to you in person for now. 

May this entry be a testimony, an evidence in the future, a life goal that I've been pitching myself to achieve. In time to come, I will be able to say all these much to you personally, eventually.

Signing off,
K.





  

Humility.

I was just thinking about last night. It's really irony how one thing matters that changes your whole point of view. How could something from a happy conversation lead to such a 180 degree flipover? I wasn't feeling really good because I know that sometimes we all might have blindspots that actually got the better of us.

It really hurts to feel hurt, and it's even more hurtful to feel someone that actually meant a lot to me being hurt. I was holding back tears, with some cracky voices during a conversation. I know that we all need a venting outlet to pour out all our feelings to, but I also know that we have to be sensitive in which spaces we pen our thoughts down. In my life, I didn't once force, manipulate anyone into thinking the same values that I hold. Because I believe that possessiveness does not equates to happiness.

I didn't know that perhaps sometimes some snacks don't taste as tasty as others, I didn't know that there were some things we do don't seem as salient as it seems.. But what I know is, the time invested, the effort I've made are all within my capabilities, and they are genuine and sincere.

The situations I've experience , the stories I've listened, and the observations I've seen. I can see the people around me trying so hard to find the chemistry of their life but to no avail, they just keep failing. Hence, I should feel fortunate, I should cherish what I have and I know I should express myself better in many other ways.

We might fail at times, feel heart broken at the same time. But in order to be a better person in the future, we all need to have the humility in us.

To accept, to learn, and most importantly, to forgive.

Philippians 2:5-8 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

The things that keep you alive.

Recently I've been drowning in thoughts and doing some soul searching again. Although right now I'm stuck in camp cause of a weekend duty, it somehow made me realized that there's so much stuffs to learn.

Well, I just wanna say whenever you're feeling lost in life, there's bound to have a retrieval cue to pull you back. We just gotta find it back and keep the fire going on.

Life is beautiful because there's up and downs in life. Remember that there's God, waiting out there for you to hold Him close. Love your family and cherish your love ones that you've found.

Knowing that we've someone to rely on, we'll actually find that living in this society ain't that painful afterall :)

The tourniquets in our lives

Regardless how knowledgeable we are, there are many things in life that we gotta learn. In this society, we based our judgement mainly on the surface. Unless explained, we'll never know why and how certain things happen for a reason.

Our interpersonal skills, the way we express ourselves, can be considered as one of the main qualities in which people gauge how successful and respectable one is. I was just reminded that not everyone have this quality in them.

I guess there're certain stuffs that can't be force, and there's certain stuffs that takes time to be adapted. No doubt that human are wired in ways that may be weak in certain qualities, but I believe we can always work towards it.

When still waters run deep.

I haven't been penning my thoughts down for the past few months. But since I guess today's the "last day" to live on earth, it's time to crack some cells and put my brains to work.

I've just been thinking about the word, "strive". This word, could mean 2 things. Either you're working hard to excel, or trying to make ends meet just to survive.

You see, we often strive for the things we desire and not so much for the things we really need. The society has taught us about the importance of reputation as an idol in our lives. Our lives are based upon pride issues, expectations from the society and other materialistic stuffs.

Such performance traps makes us overlook certain stuffs, and eventually living life aimlessly. It's really true that it's always the simple things we do in life that we treasure the most. That's because there's no materialistic elements in it.

What matters most in our lives are the stuffs that runs deep in us. Thoughts that we don't really show to the society. Something that we always yearned for since our childhood days. Those are the hopes that were dashed as we mature in this society.

Some scars are present in our lives to make us fall. But whereas there's some to make us stronger.

Thin line.

There's a fine line of difference between ignorance and stupidity. These 2 terms, in my opinion, are classified based on the action's intention.

Stupidity are actions you do while knowing the consequences behind it. Like for example, self-suicidal. Whereas ignorance could cause an uneventful scenario to happen without anyone wanting it to happen. Sometimes shit just happens in a spur . 

I really despise comments made by people when they themselves do not understand the full picture. "oh well he only got himself to blame for being too reckless." "oh gosh never let stupidity get the better of you".

To my understanding, an accident happens because of an action with hidden blind spots. If one should really judge a person for his/her action, they should really assess the agenda of it before making any sort of comment. It just shows how shallow minded a person could be. Without actually empathizing, non-constructive comments such as this actually turns people off. 

Your turning point.

Just a little question, perhaps a rhetorical one: Is there a point of time in your life when you felt it's time to have a change of lifestyle?

I was by the park again in the early afternoon, just chilling with a cup of sugarcane and some music from my phone. Saw this little asian caucasian baby with his grandpa taking him out on a stroll. He looked at me with his little blue eyes, and yeah. Truth, happiness and authenticity was what I saw in his soul.

Ever remembered the beliefs that you held on so dearly when you were a toddler before? And only to realize that your dreams were crushed as you grow older in the system of this world.

There are many retrieval cues that changes our lives drastically. But it really depends on how our worldviews rest upon the current situation. It could either make or break you adversely.

No doubt we all have our defining moments in all walks of life. But ultimately it's really up to us whether we wanna be a catalyst in this world, that is, make a difference in the society.