Head knowledge.

Here's a scenario that I think it's classic to talk about:
There's a glass of wine that's poured only up to half of the maximum capacity. Question to your perspective is: Do you see the glass of wine as something half filled? Or rather it's half empty?

Well, I've found another dimension. Regardless whether it's half filled, or it's half emptied, just be appreciative and thankful that the glass is actually filled with something, which wine in this case.

It's been months since I've talked to you. To be honest, I do miss communicating with you. Some things will always remain, some feelings will always be there for certain reasons.

All you wanted was to receive morning texts that would make ya feel special. All you wanted was someone to be a listening ear, rather than giving solutions to solve the problem. Someone who could actually be a gentleman and take the initiative to make things right regardless who is in the right, or in the wrong. Someone that you could rely on with the deepest secrets being shared. A person that would actually never leave a girl hanging regardless of how ugly the situation was, etc

These are some of the many things that I've understood at the back of my mind. However, sometimes I could only tell myself there's always a limit in giving in, it's because I'm only human with emotions too. People do get burned out and eventually losing themselves, losing their identity, their goals and plans in the long run.

I believe you've moved on, probably to someone else. & I'm genuinely glad and happy for you as much as it pinches me.  It's because there were some things that we both couldn't achieve. And perhaps the other guy have the chemistry with you.

 

Self-Identity

Matthew 6:33-34 : "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry, about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble on its own."

I've not been posting my thoughts for the past few months/years. So.. here it goes.

In relation to the natural's interpretation, perhaps this meant to me as finding self identity in my perspective. Seeking in something that's within you is important. And that is because it moulds the core fundamental value within your own personal lifestyle. And that actually reflects in the society as who you really are as an individual.

One reason why people are feeling dead even though they have everything they need in their life would be the lack of self identity. Basically moving with the flow of life without challenging oneself to break the norm. It creates a status-quo atmosphere in us where progression is a gradual or declining curve.

It is human nature for everyone to have the need for affiliation, a community in where they can feel connected. Likewise in a micro perspective, self identity is vital for essential survival. Be it in any circumstance, scenario, etc, we all need to find a purpose in what we do, in what we feel, in what we desire. And that basically means embracing an intrinsic motivation for something, also known as, passion.

The biggest failure in life isn't about failing to achieve goals despite countless of attempts, but the biggest failure is actually succeeding in things that doesn't even matter to us at the end of the day.

Only know you love her, when you've let her go.

Basically how a relationship ends it's only because both parties stop trying. It's only natural when you love someone, you have an expectation of the other party reciprocating in a way or another. This encourages the relationship to grow stronger when actions are shown because at the back of the mind, you'll know that the other party cherishes you as much as you do.

Couples start quarrelling it's only because of miscommunication. They both fail to understand one another's well-being and stuff. You could say that loving someone creates expectation, but i beg to differ because sometimes all they want is just a sign of acknowledgement. Discouragement could be a product as it could actually hit someone really badly as well.

As you bother to maintain the relationship during and after quarrels and quarrels, you'll eventually understand the other party better because you're more salient to the differences between one another, and ultimately reach to a consensus. I believe sometimes quarrels can be termed as, a 'double-edged sword'. With regards to the hind side, quarrels do let you have a better comprehension of whether both are unsuitable after all.

As I was preparing our monthsary surprise before booking out of my army camp, I texted you and asked where were your whereabouts and etc so that I know roughly when I could deliver the surprise. I've actually printed some pictures such as the river safari date, some pictures we took and uploaded on instag, etc. With the help of my camp mate as he was really good with design, I bothered seeking him for his expertise because I know I'm really weak with art and craft.

Just before midnight, I've actually called you up and wanted to meet up with you at 12am as I was about to leave my home with the stuffs. But I guess things somehow went really ugly and it was all gone with the wind. We all face risks when we do surprises because the other party isn't aware of it. But sometimes when things don't actually go the way we wanted to be, and sometime it's only discouragement that follows through.

Everyone wants to be heard, but no one wants to be disappointed. Everyone wants to receive, but no one is willing to give because they might face a huge disappointment time and time again.

Today was supposed to be our 10th Monthsary together. I just want to tell you that you will always be a beautiful person in my heart. Despite facing through the roller coaster ride with you, I just want to let you know that only the good memories will always be kept in my heart. As I'm typing out all these, flashbacks were running through and I've asked myself something. It was really a worthy experience being in love with you.

I never once believe in fate because I know there will always be a result to an action. However, perhaps tonight, I hate to believe that it could actually be fate afterall.

Nevertheless, thanks for shaping me to be a better person. Someone that has actually taught me how to love my mother, my sister, and make a woman feel loved most importantly.

Here I am saying, I love you and goodbye, for the last time.
Take care.

You could say that things are falling apart. There will be a point where too much hurt will stop you from trying to build things up again.

As much as I want to be the reason why you're smiling, sometimes I do not wish to comprehend the thought of you being a happier person without me. That's because the relationship feels like it is draining life rather than enriching it.

In your mind, you think I've changed. But bear in mind that there's also a force, which I don't wanna mention here, made me felt that way too. Could it be that we have different expectations and not suitable for each other? Or could it be that we're just not putting enough effort to reach a consensus. 

This dedication tonight.

Dear mum,

Recently I've been doing a lot of reflection lately. I've realised that there are no amount of gratitude that I can ever express to thank you for all that you've done. 

I know I haven't been the best that I can be. I know that there are a lot of blindspots that have made you felt so disappointed. Looking back, I am really apologetic for what I've said the other time in the month of February. 

All I want to do in my life is to serve God, to be an image just like Jesus that will be the intercessor, a testimonial to everyone that there will be someone out there to make a difference in this current, this dark black society. 

I know that right now, you have been slogging your soul out to raise sis and I up. But I just wanna let you know that, the pain and burden that you have been carrying all these years will all come to an end really soon. As much as you want to provide the best of life to me, I've not been successful in many ways to reciprocate in a way to make you feel appreciated. 

As much as a human, I will do my very best as a son, to make it all up to you real soon. Rest assured things will be a 180degree turn and you will definitely reap what you have sowed in my life. 

Thank you so much for being there for be despite the countless disappointments. That's really something unconditional that you have portrayed and I'm utmost appreciative about it. The reason why I'm typing all these thoughts out tonight it's because I am in no position to make this speech to you in person for now. 

May this entry be a testimony, an evidence in the future, a life goal that I've been pitching myself to achieve. In time to come, I will be able to say all these much to you personally, eventually.

Signing off,
K.





  

Humility.

I was just thinking about last night. It's really irony how one thing matters that changes your whole point of view. How could something from a happy conversation lead to such a 180 degree flipover? I wasn't feeling really good because I know that sometimes we all might have blindspots that actually got the better of us.

It really hurts to feel hurt, and it's even more hurtful to feel someone that actually meant a lot to me being hurt. I was holding back tears, with some cracky voices during a conversation. I know that we all need a venting outlet to pour out all our feelings to, but I also know that we have to be sensitive in which spaces we pen our thoughts down. In my life, I didn't once force, manipulate anyone into thinking the same values that I hold. Because I believe that possessiveness does not equates to happiness.

I didn't know that perhaps sometimes some snacks don't taste as tasty as others, I didn't know that there were some things we do don't seem as salient as it seems.. But what I know is, the time invested, the effort I've made are all within my capabilities, and they are genuine and sincere.

The situations I've experience , the stories I've listened, and the observations I've seen. I can see the people around me trying so hard to find the chemistry of their life but to no avail, they just keep failing. Hence, I should feel fortunate, I should cherish what I have and I know I should express myself better in many other ways.

We might fail at times, feel heart broken at the same time. But in order to be a better person in the future, we all need to have the humility in us.

To accept, to learn, and most importantly, to forgive.

Philippians 2:5-8 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

The things that keep you alive.

Recently I've been drowning in thoughts and doing some soul searching again. Although right now I'm stuck in camp cause of a weekend duty, it somehow made me realized that there's so much stuffs to learn.

Well, I just wanna say whenever you're feeling lost in life, there's bound to have a retrieval cue to pull you back. We just gotta find it back and keep the fire going on.

Life is beautiful because there's up and downs in life. Remember that there's God, waiting out there for you to hold Him close. Love your family and cherish your love ones that you've found.

Knowing that we've someone to rely on, we'll actually find that living in this society ain't that painful afterall :)

The tourniquets in our lives

Regardless how knowledgeable we are, there are many things in life that we gotta learn. In this society, we based our judgement mainly on the surface. Unless explained, we'll never know why and how certain things happen for a reason.

Our interpersonal skills, the way we express ourselves, can be considered as one of the main qualities in which people gauge how successful and respectable one is. I was just reminded that not everyone have this quality in them.

I guess there're certain stuffs that can't be force, and there's certain stuffs that takes time to be adapted. No doubt that human are wired in ways that may be weak in certain qualities, but I believe we can always work towards it.

When still waters run deep.

I haven't been penning my thoughts down for the past few months. But since I guess today's the "last day" to live on earth, it's time to crack some cells and put my brains to work.

I've just been thinking about the word, "strive". This word, could mean 2 things. Either you're working hard to excel, or trying to make ends meet just to survive.

You see, we often strive for the things we desire and not so much for the things we really need. The society has taught us about the importance of reputation as an idol in our lives. Our lives are based upon pride issues, expectations from the society and other materialistic stuffs.

Such performance traps makes us overlook certain stuffs, and eventually living life aimlessly. It's really true that it's always the simple things we do in life that we treasure the most. That's because there's no materialistic elements in it.

What matters most in our lives are the stuffs that runs deep in us. Thoughts that we don't really show to the society. Something that we always yearned for since our childhood days. Those are the hopes that were dashed as we mature in this society.

Some scars are present in our lives to make us fall. But whereas there's some to make us stronger.

Thin line.

There's a fine line of difference between ignorance and stupidity. These 2 terms, in my opinion, are classified based on the action's intention.

Stupidity are actions you do while knowing the consequences behind it. Like for example, self-suicidal. Whereas ignorance could cause an uneventful scenario to happen without anyone wanting it to happen. Sometimes shit just happens in a spur . 

I really despise comments made by people when they themselves do not understand the full picture. "oh well he only got himself to blame for being too reckless." "oh gosh never let stupidity get the better of you".

To my understanding, an accident happens because of an action with hidden blind spots. If one should really judge a person for his/her action, they should really assess the agenda of it before making any sort of comment. It just shows how shallow minded a person could be. Without actually empathizing, non-constructive comments such as this actually turns people off. 

Your turning point.

Just a little question, perhaps a rhetorical one: Is there a point of time in your life when you felt it's time to have a change of lifestyle?

I was by the park again in the early afternoon, just chilling with a cup of sugarcane and some music from my phone. Saw this little asian caucasian baby with his grandpa taking him out on a stroll. He looked at me with his little blue eyes, and yeah. Truth, happiness and authenticity was what I saw in his soul.

Ever remembered the beliefs that you held on so dearly when you were a toddler before? And only to realize that your dreams were crushed as you grow older in the system of this world.

There are many retrieval cues that changes our lives drastically. But it really depends on how our worldviews rest upon the current situation. It could either make or break you adversely.

No doubt we all have our defining moments in all walks of life. But ultimately it's really up to us whether we wanna be a catalyst in this world, that is, make a difference in the society.

Walking the talk.

Did a 2 hours reflection by the park just now. Realized that there are still many more things that I needa learn. No doubt I've been confine in an enclosed area for 17 days, but I guess I appreciated the time I had during that period.

The highlight during this period, were the values that I've learned. Which is, to cherish the things that I have that's around me. And since I'm gonna spend the 2 years over here, I guess making the best out of it would be the best & only option that I'm gonna take.

In the civilian world, it's kinda typical of someone to think that being in the army would be equating to, defending our country. To be honest, there's more to it. It's more about defending in something you believe in dearly. & that's my family, my love ones. No doubt in the army we'll lose a little bit of touch from the life we used to have that's comfortable, but ultimately it teaches us to be strong.

With regards to defending something, it might not be literally holding weapons as safety mechanisms. But it may also refer to something like standing firm in what you believe adamantly all along. Respect does not comes as and when you like. Nonetheless, it comes from what you've achieved.

The difference.

Well there's one thing that I was reminded of recently. "You can't love a stranger one bit." & if you've ever came across with a thought of wanting to know someone, that's called infatuation.

Many of us are actually blinded by the system of the world. God gave us eyes. & yet its quite hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind.

2 Corinthians 4:18 : 'So we fixed on eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but that is unseen is eternal.'

In this case, patience is key in a relationship. Understanding one another's likings & dislikes. Understanding one another's strength and weaknesses. And most importantly, understanding one another's heart. 

Colors.

Just felt the need to blog after being inspired by some bloggers talking about their perception of lives. Hmmm well, people that I respect the most are those who have a mindset of their own, decisions and convictions that stands firmly.

Count myself a fortunate kid. Been to 3 countries within 2 months. Turkey, Thailand and the most recent trip, Perth in Australia. All the trips taught me different kind of life values. Nonetheless, the trips showed me a similar thought. That is our parents were the one that provided it all for us. And the only reason why they could provide us with such luxurious privilege, it's because they have the financial capabilities to support us.

Anyhow I'm kinda ready for the next phase of life, which is NS. After loitering around for like 4 months, not doing any activities that is actually really productive, I guess I'm all set for it :)

17 more days.

A parachute mindset.

I've been reflecting a little bit recently. On about how a person's personality could make an adverse impact in the society. In most cases, a person who leads an easy-going, flexible and un-conscientious lifestyle finds himself having a wider social circle of friends. 

I was reminded about something that struck me hard during my trip in Turkey:

Touching down at a random place.

Yep, this is one golden experience that I'll remember. Before boarding on, we were taught that once the balloon starts to float above a certain feet level, the wind would be the subject making the decision as to where it would take the balloon to it's final destination.
Sometimes we just need to let nature takes its course? Man alone can't change the world. The harder we try, we'd only find more disappointment along the way. This is because greater expectations comes with greater sense of self-actualization. 


& the less rigid we are, we'd actually find ourselves being more adaptable to different clauses of environment. A happier human being.

When you've nowhere to go.

We'll build a fortress

To Keep them out

And in a world gone silent

I'll be your sound

And if they try to hurt you

I'll tear them down

I'm always with you now

Sometimes listening to trance just takes you to another realm. 

It just gives you some glimpse of hope in the hopelessness. 

It teaches you how to embrace the serenity and the artwork of life. 

Despite the pressures we've been facing in this current society, there are bound to have an outlet of support we can always turn to. 

& I believe trance, can always be one of them.

Rhetorical.

Just a little question: Are you a happy or sad drunk? 

When the alcohol kicks in, my mind starts thinking even more. These expectations, goals, pressures, desires, triggering cues of such images keep residing.

What if you fail big time?
What if you don't have the money to spend what you want?
What if you don't make your family proud?
What if you stop what you're doing halfway and ended up being a douche?
What ifs.. All the what ifs.

You may termed this as 'insecurity'. But I guess it's a form of positive motivation to move on with life. 

Recently, I just got this revelation. That life is like an highway. 

This world is bleak, dark and ruthless. Nobody in this secular world gives us respect unless we first respect ourselves. None would bother to support us unless we prove our worth.

Nonetheless, we gotta stay strong, keep our fingers crossed, clench our teeth hard. It's because in this highway, there's no such thing as a red traffic light there for us. There's no room for complacency, but only space for progressing forward.

You left me there hanging.

It's no one's fault.
There's none to blame.
I was really glad there were some meaningful moments that we managed to have.
Cherished it a lot.

But there's one thing for sure.
Only the gullible's never move on with life :)

Swaying images

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind,images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick.

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy,
I'd thought you'd want the same for me.

Goodbye, my almost lover.
Goodbye, my hopeless dream.
I'm tryin not to think about you,
Can't you just let me be
A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover



Just got back from Genting.. Well, this song was on replay for like countless of times on the coach, back & forth.

Got me to reflect some of the stuffs for the past 3-4 years. How life passed so quickly. How I once was a freshie in poly. & now, finally, graduated..

I really do feel that God has blessed me with so many things in life. Studies, BFL, Financials.. However, somehow I feel there's something lacking. Perhaps it's the way I view the day-to-day, common & typical issues of life.

*It's always the i-don't-give-a-shit kind of attitude that turns people off i guess.



Sometimes a love relationship is like a burning cigarette. We inhale the tobacco into our lungs, & we'll feel the kick. Once it's burned to the brim of the filter, we've lost the chemistry.

& you'd wonder why the supposed special one is treating you differently all together.

It thus made me believed why making decision based on logic & rationality would be a better choice instead on human emotions.

AND BECAUSE OF THIS, people in school think I'm some cold blooded, competitive & hypocrite kinda person. Well, I don't blame them because I know this problem lies within myself.

& Maybe this is why, A, you're feeling that way, uncomfortable.

Sometimes solutions ain't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way..

Callings.

Being an innocent party.
Why do financial difficulties have to be the barrier in most families?

Being pressurized, going through such motions takes life deeper than what it should be. Lives of the child gets too distressed.

Goals are developed, pride within them hardened. Emotionally, they all react differently to various stimulator..

Sometimes perhaps this is why it motivates you to move on to the next phase of life, adulthood, because only then you can take control of your own decision wholly.